Change

How does a person change? I was told today that I have changed...but what does that really mean? I always thought change was good or something that took some getting used to, but I never thought it was really a bad thing. So how does a person change? Is it possible and if so, how does a person change back to the person they were before? So many questions, not a lot of answers.
I used to be a pushover (sometimes I think I still am). In high school, there were so many people who blamed things on me, yelled at me, were mean to me, and I just took it. I took it because I knew it was high school and my life would go on. I would leave high school to do bigger and better things. I took so much crap from boys that I should have never had to deal with. Through this, I think I've started to fight back whenever more crap came up that I had to deal with. As a result of this however, I fight back whenever Josh and I have a disagreement. I don't mean to be difficult or drag out a disagreement, but that is what ends up happening. The person that I love most in my life happens to be the one person that I fight back with the most. Why is that? The bigger and better question is...how do I fix that?

For our marriage prep class this semester, we just had a project due. We had to come up with a short list of essential qualities in a future spouse. Meaning, qualities that if this person didn't have it, we would seriously consider not marrying them because of it. Then we had to justify with quotes from General Authorities supporting this attribute and why it's important. Our next project in marriage prep (plan is due next week, but this will be a semester-long project) is to pick one of those attributes on our list and work all semester long to develop that quality in ourselves. We must do this by developing a plan, due next week, of things to do every week (at least 2 hours a week) to develop this attribute. We also have to keep a record/log of our efforts, so I think I will keep a blog post dedicated to my progress working on this attribute. I haven't decided what quality I'm going to pick yet, but this project has helped me realize that it's not about trying to fix the other person. Jenni always had a quote on her mirror while in high school...it said: "Don't worry about finding Mr. Right. Worry about making yourself Mrs. Right." I always thought that was a cool way of putting it. A big issue Josh and I have, I've realized, is that we too often pick out each other's weaknesses rather than each other's strengths. We both are so focused on fixing the other person and making them better rather than making ourselves better first. We should be making ourselves better for the other person.We both need to be committed to the Lord and to each other. Instead of pointing out each other's faults, we should be focused on becoming one as we prepare for marriage.

I know I have things to work on, as does Josh. I've realized that we also need to focus on the fact that neither of us are perfect. We're marrying imperfect people, but that's ok. Instead of always trying to prove each other wrong and ourselves right, we should be focusing on humbling ourselves enough to be able to apologize for the things we've said to each other and forgive each other too. Too often these molehills of disagreements turn into huge mountainous arguments because past issues are brought up or we want so desperately to prove the other wrong. Marriage or any relationship for that fact is all about working together in love and harmony to make things work. Josh and I were raised so differently that I know it's going to be a lot of hard work to figure things out, but I so much want to do that with him. I've wanted to be with him for so long and I'm not willing to let him go. I want to be with him for time and all eternity through the covenants we will make in the temple on May 3. I want to rely on him and I want to have the opportunity to have children and grow old together with him. It never was supposed to be easy, but I know that it will be worth it. What Josh and I have is something worth fighting for (we just haven't figured out how not to fight each other instead). I'm willing to work hard to make this relationship work because I love him so much. I know he loves me too and I know he wants to marry me. I know the Lord is mindful of us and both of our feelings and thoughts. I know the Lord will help us get through whatever we're going through. As long as we keep the Spirit in our lives and are living the gospel, He will bless us.